The Grown Up Game

Late City Edition Vol. LXXIV · No. 312 Weather: overcast, as always 25¢

Exclusive City in uproar · Respectable citizens “at wits’ end”

Seven lowlifes. One city.
Zero shame.

A gang of grubby misfits is taking jobs from a washed-up bar owner, and the taxpayers of New Pork City want it stopped. They will be disappointed.

The gang brawling with respectable citizens in a grimy New Pork City alley — PICTURED: Residents of the Lower East Pork enjoying a quiet Tuesday. Photo: Post staff, who have since moved.

Extra! Coming
soon Coming to PC & Mac

Bins overturned on 4thBus stop missing, presumed soldNeighborhood Watch files 212th reportHousing association bans singing, againLocal jogger “cannot outrun the smell”Carl’s bar extends happy hour to 23 hours Bins overturned on 4thBus stop missing, presumed soldNeighborhood Watch files 212th reportHousing association bans singing, againLocal jogger “cannot outrun the smell”Carl’s bar extends happy hour to 23 hours

The Story · Page 1

Bar owner’s crew “simply too gross to stop”, say police

NEW PORK CITY. They don’t pay taxes, they don’t wash, and as of this week they have a boss. Witnesses describe a gang of seven taking “jobs” from Last Call Carlo, owner of Carl’s bar and at least eleven failed businesses.

The Grown Up Game is a pixel-art brawler for grown-ups. Pick three of the gang for every job, swap between them on the fly, and punch your way through the most respectable people in town: taxpayers, joggers, housing association chairmen and the Neighborhood Watch.

Every lowlife brings a talent nobody asked for. One sneaks through pipes, one draws every eye on the block, one picks the lock with a plan that is only sometimes wrong. The main road is always open. The good stuff is behind the doors only the right crew can open.

“They took the bins. They took the bus stop. They took my parking spot. They don’t even have a car.”A parking warden, visibly shaken

Bring a friend on the couch, or online through Steam Remote Play Together. Come back with a different crew. Ride the subway to the next neighborhood. Lower your standards.

Page 3 · By order of the Concerned Citizens of New Pork City

Most Wanted

Hover a poster to see them in full, glorious colour. Then wash your hands.

The Boss

Last Call Carlo

Carlo “Ultimo” Bianchi

Last Call. Gets stronger the closer it is to closing time.

Reward: settle his tab first

The Sneak

Snot Baby

Small. Sticky. Everywhere.

Sneak. Unseen, untouchable, and much worse from a hiding spot. Fits in pipes.

Reward: a tissue

The Shock

Toenail

One tooth. Ten toenails.

Flasher. Opens the coat and every eye on the block is his.

Reward: therapy for witnesses

The Genius*

Mildew

*Relatively

The Master Plan. Picks locks, cracks puzzles, points the way back. Sometimes the wrong way.

Reward: a sharpened pencil

The Diva

Gristle

Former star of the dive bar stage

Makeover. Seven disguises, one heel held on with duct tape. No velvet rope survives her.

Reward: applause, loudly

The Fixer

Sludge

Lives in a station wagon called the Lady

Getaway Car. Drives the gang anywhere they have been. “I’ll fix that in five minutes.” (Five hours.)

Reward: a full thermos

The Menace

Mei Ling

aka Meiday · aka Mei No Mercy

No Shame. Can’t be insulted, can’t be distracted, and the whole street comes running when she starts.

Reward: do not approach

“we didnt do
any of it”

— the gang

Page 12 · Opinion

Letters to the Editor

The enemies of the gang are the most decent people in town. They would like a word.

“I have filed two hundred and twelve reports this month. Nobody reads them. I will be filing a report about that.”

The Neighborhood WatchPatrols in a reflective vest. Calls the police on sight.

“I gave them my most disapproving look. The one with the pearls. One of them winked.”

A lady of the Upper East PorkHer looks could stop a parade. Not this one.

“I run fourteen miles before breakfast. I still cannot outrun the smell.”

A jogger with a heart-rate watchThe fastest thing on the map. Hard to shake.

“They don’t own a car. They own a Lady. She has been parked across three spaces since 1974.”

A parking wardenTickets anything that stands still. Including Sludge.

“Someone used my briefcase as a toilet. I will not say who. It was the small one.”

A taxpayerPays his taxes. Mentions it.

The editor replies

“The Post shares your concern and has hired more joggers. Coming soon: the PTA, the Sunday school teacher, the tax auditor and a family in a Volvo with a caravan.”

Page 7 · Business

Carl’s Bar.
Where the jobs come from.

Last Call Carlo has run a limo company, a wedding chapel and a sushi stand that also sold bait. Now he runs a gang. He hands out the jobs, takes his cut, and somehow gets stronger as the night runs out.

Page 9 · Advice

How to ruin a city
in five easy steps

1
Take the job.
Carlo hands it out at the bar. You pick three from the gang, and the choice matters: without Mildew some doors stay shut.
2
Swap on the fly.
Play one, the rest tag along. Switch to whoever the street needs: the small one for the pipe, the tall one for the fire escape.
3
Fight dirty.
Old-school street brawling with sharper animation. Every lowlife upgrades their own punches and kicks, and some of them headbutt.
4
Bring a friend.
Two pads, one couch, one bad influence. Or online through Steam Remote Play Together.
5
Come back worse.
Every talent opens a door. Return with a different crew for loot, secrets and shortcuts, and ride the subway map to the next neighborhood.

Final edition

Lower your
standards.

The Grown Up Game is coming to Steam for PC and Mac.

Coming soon

Are you 18 or older?

The New Pork City Post

Seven lowlifes. One city.
Zero shame.

Bar owner’s crew “simply too gross to stop”, say police